Sleipnir
by Volkihar
Summary: The story of Sleipnir, with a touch of the Marvel universe. Companion piece to Arrows and Apples, but it can be read by itself.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, only a couple Ocs, and am not making any kind of profit from writing this.

**Warnings:** Heavily implied bestiality and non-con/rape. Mpreg. Angst. A little bit of fluff.

**Notes:** This is just a quickie, four parts. It's a companion piece to Arrows and Apples, but it can be read separately since it's really more about Loki's past (based on actual Norse mythology) than anything that's a part of the main story.

This takes place pre-Thor, but has some spoilers for the avengers at the end.

Please review, I really want to know what you think. Critique is welcome! I'm always striving to be a better writer.

* * *

**Chapter one: The Giant and the Stallion**

* * *

Loki was reading a battered old spellbook alone in Asgard's palace gardens. It was a truly ancient thing. The pages were as delicate as brittle autumn leaves, and the scent of old paper pleasantly filled the air. No one knew Loki was there, or would have bothered to look. It was the dead of winter, and none of the Aesir seemed to have his strange resistance to the cold. But it wasn't just a resistance, he enjoyed the way the chill wind felt on his skin. It was refreshing and made him feel alive. He had climbed an ancient oak tree, and was resting comfortably within it's branches with the book propped open on his knees. He read in silence, listening to the faint sounds of a bird twittering nearby and the quiet whoosh of snow falling around him. He felt at peace there, away from everything for a little while.

"Loki, dear. Come inside, you will catch a cold." A familiar voice called to him from below the tree. He looked down to see none other than his mother, Frigga, the wife of Odin. She was wrapped tightly in a thick bear fur cloak with a scarf tired around her head; some of her golden locks of hair peeked out from underneath it.

"I have never caught a cold before." Loki replied, ignoring her. No, it was Thor that was always running around with a snotty nose. Why didn't anyone understand that he _liked _the cold, that it made him feel better. It was the hot days of summer that made Loki feel ill. He wasn't a child anymore, what concern was it of hers if he made himself sick?

"I know that, but there's a first time for everything, yes?" Frigga smiled up at him. "Please would you come share a cup of tea with me? I see so little of you lately." Loki sighed and climbed down out of the tree. He landed in the snow with a soft thump and brushed the white dusting off of his shoulders. It would only come back to haunt him later if he refused her invitation.

"Of course I will have tea with you, mother." He said, smiling. It wasn't a real smile, just the one he put on when he did not want others to know what was really on his mind.

"Where is your brother? I thought to ask him to join us, but I cannot find him anywhere." Frigga asked as she led Loki back inside the palace. Immediately he missed the icy caress of the winter air, but said nothing.

"Off chasing some maiden." Loki answered sounding bored as they found their way to Frigga's chambers. She made a disapproving sound and shook her head. Loki was indifferent; Thor was obnoxious and he'd much rather have a peaceful afternoon without him. He would be back to regale them all with his epic tales of failed wooing later anyhow.

"You never seem to have much interest in such pursuits." Frigga noted as she poured a cup of tea for Loki. He took it and waited for it to cool. He rather liked tea, but only if it was chilled. "Perhaps you should find someone, too. Companionship has many blessings."

"I am not overly interested in romance." Loki said simply as he stared blankly into the depths of the amber liquid in the delicate little teacup, that he was holding a bit too tightly for comfort. It felt like it might shatter in his hands at any second. Much like his own fragile spirit.

"You haven't been yourself lately, dear. Is something bothering you?" Frigga asked, perceptive as always. Loki thought about the question seriously. He thought of his wrists being bound and tied together behind his back. Of sweaty, calloused hands grabbing at his hips hard enough to bruise. He thought of the way his sad little whimpered pleas to '_please stop this!' _were unheard past the wad of fabric stuffed in his mouth. He thought of pain, helplessness and violation. Most of all, he thought the of the sound of laughter as he was tossed from one man to the next. They were dignitaries from Vanaheim. Loki didn't even dare try to summon the guard before he was gagged.

Who would they believe? Loki the liar, or a bunch of seemingly well mannered ambassadors? And if his refusal was seen as inhospitable, and led to a war with Vanaheim? Yet again he would just disappoint Odin. They wouldn't be punished, either. No one cared enough about Loki to see to that. Only Frigga, and Odin would never allow her to interfere. In the end, there was nothing he could do. Nothing except scrub his skin raw in a useless attempt to cleanse himself of an invisible filth, and cry himself to sleep when he finally escaped.

"There is nothing wrong mother, I have just been rather absorbed in my studies." Loki said disarmingly, the lie leaving his lips smoothly. She didn't believe him, though. He could see that. Gently, she reached across the table and took his hands in hers. They seemed so small and delicate beside his, he thought Thor surely would break them if he touched them. He could not tell her about this. He didn't want to see the concern in her eyes. He did not want to talk about it. He wanted to pretend it never happened. He shut the pain and anger far away in a dark corner of his mind and let it lie there undisturbed. It hurt too much, he just could not do it.

"I love you Loki. You know that you can tell me anything. I will always be here for you." Frigga said warmly. "When you decide you want to talk about it, you know where to find me." Loki nodded quietly and swallowed past the lump in his throat. Even if he couldn't speak of the horrors, just being near her somehow made him feel like everything would all be all right somehow.

"I have to go." Loki said quietly. "Father fears the builder will finish the wall on time, and has demanded I find some way to lure his stallion away." Frigga pursed her lips in a disapproving manner.

"You don't need to do that, Odin will just have to own up to his foolish mistakes and pay him. This has nothing at all to do with you." Frigga said, sipping her tea delicately.

"He will never do that. He is too prideful." Loki commented sadly and drank some of his then cooled tea. "Besides, as a prince of Asgard, it is my duty to carry out my king's orders. Even that does not matter. It will be my fault somehow. It always is." He added. He secretly hoped that maybe doing this would gain him some small amount of approval from Odin. All Thor had to do was sneeze and the king lavished affections upon him. Loki could give him the universe on silver platter, and still he would turn his nose up at it.

"I suppose you are right. Please do be careful,and try to be home in time for dinner." Frigga said in a defeated tone.

"Mother? Do you think I will ever be married one day?" He asked, not quite knowing where the question had come from.

"Of course you will. Some day you will meet someone you love more than life itself, and in turn they will want to give you the moon and stars just to see your smile." The queen told him, her eyes shining. "May the Norns let me live long enough to see that day."

* * *

It had been a stupid plan, tricking the giant into building Asgard's walls as they had. They gave him six months to do the job. If he succeeded, he would have the beautiful Lady Freya as a wife and receive a generous amount of gold in payment. There was some talk about wanting the sun and the moon, too, but Odin hadn't been that stupid. The giant made only one request: that he be allowed to have his stallion, Svadlifari, aid him. 'Oh, but it is just one horse, let him have the beast.' Loki had said, bored with the whole affair. That had been a mistake, and a fatal one. The horse was stronger and faster than ten of the kings best steeds. The work progressed at an amazing rate, and soon it would be finished, well before the time limit.

Of course, it was Loki's fault for saying that the horse wouldn't be a bother. But, the blame did not lie with him alone. It was Odin and his advisers that offered the Giant Freya's hand without her approval, and intended to cheat him in the end anyway. But no, it was Loki's fault. _Everything _was always Loki's fault. He was the liar, the trickster and the deceiver who thrived on chaos made real. He was to blame, for every little thing that did not go their way.

Angrily, Loki trudged through the snow with a small leather pouch clutched against his chest. He was a master of stealth in combat, so he used it to his advantage. It was just after sundown. If he was quick about this, he would be home in time from dinner to keep Frigga from worrying. The giant lay sleeping on a pile of furs near a large fire in the construction site. Thunderous snores shook the ground. Svadlifari was nearby, pawing at the grass restlessly. Cautiously, Loki approached the Stallion. The enormous black steed eyed the Aesir warily as he pulled a carrot from the leather pouch he was carrying.

"Come now, would you like this?" Loki whispered, tempting him with the carrot. Svadlifari ignored him, and returned to pawing at a bit of rubble on the ground with his hoof. Loki tried again with an apple, but not just an apple, one of Idun's golden apples of immortality. Still, the stallion ignored him. Again, he tried to lure the horse away, this time with a handful of sugar. Svadlifari pretended he did not exist. Grunting in annoyance, Loki tossed the pack aside and recklessly took the worn leather reigns in his gloved hands. He pulled, and urged Svadlifari forward, but still he did budge. As a last resort, he used his power to shapeshift to turn himself into a stunning white mare. At last, Svadlifari looked his way and his ears perked up with interest. Loki ran.

In the form of the mare he galloped across the Asgardian highlands, with Svadlifari close behind. He lost track of how long he ran. Hours turned into days, and days became weeks. Svadlifari never slowed, persuing the mare like his life depended on it. Loki eventualy ran out of strength and stopped running. Desperately he summoned his magic to turn himself back into his Aesir form, but Svadlifari was already upon him. The only thought in Loki's mind as the powerful stallion mounted him, still in the form of the white mare, was this was _not_ how it was supposed to go. Once Svadlifari finished his deed, he left – trotting calmly back in the direction of Asgard. It didn't matter, Loki had fulfilled his task. He would not make it back in time for the giant to finish the wall. At least he'd done _something_ right.

The trickster changed back into his Aesir form and curled into a fetal position. Twice now, in one year, he had been violated in this way. A single tear streaked down his face that he hid in his arms. How long had he been running? It was winter when he left, but now it was spring. Loki thought guiltily of Frigga asking him to be home for dinner. A harsh sob tore through him as he lay in the place where Svadlifari had left him, in a pile of damp, moldering fallen leaves. He was in a forest, he knew that much. He had to get home. Shaking and choking back more tears, he dragged himself to his feet.

No one could know of this, ever. It was hard enough to tolerate the constant comments from the Aesir about his apparent lack of masculinity. It was hard to shut it out. It didn't help that it was entirely unjustified. Why was it, that because he preferred to study magic, that he must be considered womanish? True, he was not built to be a warrior. He was lithe and slender, rather than bulky and muscled. But, he was as skilled with most weapons as he was with magic. He was more than a match for the most of the Einherjar. But this... This was...

He had been raped by a horse.

If anyone, particularly Odin, found out about this...

His life was over.

_Over._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes:** I think I had more fun writing this little quartet than I should. :3

* * *

**Chapter Two: An Unwelcome Revelation**

* * *

Loki teleported back to Asgard and locked himself in his chambers for the better part of a month. Once he was certain that he had his emotions in back check, he announced his return. He apologized for taking so long, that he had gotten lost in the highlands while he lured Svadlifari away. He refused to say _how _he did it, of course. Odin, Frigga and Thor all bought the story easily enough. Only Frigga seemed to sense something amiss, but she said nothing. He learned that Thor had killed the giant to get out of their debt, and that the Aesir finished construction of the wall themselves. Loki wondered if that meant the walls would forever have a weak, vulnerable place. Of course they would, there was no way their construction would be as solid as the giant's.

Even after announcing his return, Loki kept to his chambers or the libraries. He found it hard to face anyone after having been defiled by Svadlifari. Perhaps because it was the result of his own stupidity. It tormented him enough, without having to see that shame in his family's eyes. He was miserable and felt isolated like never before. But isolation was preferable to Thor's overzealous joyous attitude, or the worry in his mother's eyes. Frigga noticed almost immediately that Loki had become far more withdrawn than usual, secretive even. He did his best to convince her that her concerns were unfounded, even though he couldn't convince himself.

About three months after his return to Asgard, Loki knew something was seriously wrong with him. He woke from a horrible, reoccurring nightmare of being raped by the ambassadors from Vanaheim with the taste of bile in his throat. He only just made it to the terrace as nausea overwhelmed him, and he vomited over the edge. He distantly hoped there wasn't some poor sod walking underneath, but he had a headache far too powerful for any more thoughts. He slumped against the the stone railing, his body was was sweaty and shaking. The only time he could remember being this miserable was the one time he foolishly agreed to have a drinking contest with Thor. Obviously, the trickster had lost. Loki tried to ignore the taste of vomit in his mouth as he tried to imagine what could put him in such a state. He knew enough about the arts of healing from studying in Alfheim in his younger days to have a few guesses.

A bad reaction to mead, a food intolerance, excessive anxiety, or pregnancy. He almost chuckled at the last one, that was not possible. Why would he even think of it? He had not touched any mead or whiskey in some time, and he had only eaten some fruit the day before. Anxiety was a possibility, but not probable. Instinctively, he rested his hand against his stomach. _Surely that is not possible... _He mused, trying not to think of the fact that yes, his clothes did feel a bit tight. Well, he _had _been a mare when Svadlifari attacked him. Because yes, 'attacked' was the word for it. Miserably, he rose to his feet and asked one of the guards to please send for his mother. He took a drink of water to get the sour taste out of his mouth and curled up pathetically in his bed. He ached all over and if he didn't know better, he would honestly think he might be dying.

When Frigga arrived with one of her handmaidens, Loki demanded the poor girl leave. He wanted to be alone with Frigga. Having to admit this, or his fear that it was a possibility, was embarrassing enough without her there. Frigga was the only one he trusted not mock him, and possibly to offer him some form of compassion.

"What is it, Loki? Are you ill?" She asked worriedly as she shooed her handmaiden away and told her to go back to her duties. She sat on the edge of the bed and urged Loki to speak. Refusing to look at her, or to remove himself from his sad little cocoon of blankets, Loki told his story. He told Frigga everything – how he had to transform into a mare to lure Svadlifari away, and how the stallion managed to rape him while still in that form. There was silence then as Frigga processed the information. She touched the bit of shoulder that Loki didn't covered in a protective shell of blankets in a soothing manner.

"I b-believe I may be with child." Loki murmured, feeling his face heat in shame as he stumbled over the words.

"Oh, Loki!" Frigga gasped. "I do not believe that is possible. Not in this form." The queen said trying to reassure him.

"Neither did I but... Somehow I just _know." _He choked in reply, closing his eyes tightly to hide the tears he could feel stinging them. After some motherly wheedling, Loki allowed Frigga to call for her own personal healer – mostly to prove to her son that surely he had just eaten something that did not agree with him. She trusted the woman to keep the whole affair a secret. Frigga agreed not to mention the father, even if she did intend to have a good, long talk with Loki about it all later. Keeping such painful secrets surely could only only hurt him.

Frigga left the room when the healer arrived. She was a tall, slender creature with curly blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. Loki would have no problem imaging Thor chasing her down holding a bouquet of roses, only to have his hopes shattered. It took him some time to disentangle himself from his blankets, luckily the young woman seemed to be patient. She spoke little while examining Loki, other than to ask him a few questions about how he had been feeling. He answered in a subdued manner that was very much unlike him. After about half an hour of being prodded, the healer stepped back from Loki and gently tossed his blankets back over him in a sympathetic manner.

"I have no idea how this is possible." She said, frowning. "You are with child, my Prince." Loki tried futility to hold back the tears as the healer left him.

"He should go to Alfheim, the healers there may know better how to handle this." He heard her say to Frigga in the open doorway.

"No one here could care for him? Discreetly, of course." Frigga asked, undeniable worry in her voice.

"Possibly, but he would better off in more experienced hands." The healer answered as she turned to leave. Loki's breath was ragged as he tried to reign in his emotions when he heard the close and Frigga's slowly approaching footsteps.

"Shh, it will be all right, dear." She said soothingly and gathered Loki up in her arms. In spite of himself, he just cried like a child and buried his face in her shoulder. All right? How? How would he_ ever_ get through this?

* * *

The next morning, Loki was standing in the gatehouse with Frigga and some bags containing some of his books and clothes. He was dressed in a loosely fitting dark green satin robe with his long ebony locks tied back with a bit of matching ribbon. He hated wearing such clothes, but Frigga had insisted. She said it would be more comfortable for both him and the child. Even if said child was no more than a small bulge, unnoticeable beneath even his normal tight-fitting leathers. He looked to her pleadingly as Heimdall opened the bifrost for him to travel to Alfheim. She had already informed the healers there of his condition, and they were more than willing to accommodate him.

"I wish you could come." He said meekly. He meant it, Frigga made him feel safe. If she was there, he would have nothing to worry about it. What if the elves found his state as hilarious as the Aesir would if they discovered it? What then?

"I will visit, I promise. And I will be there when your child is born. You have my word." Frigga assured him. "You will be cared for, and will want for nothing. Do not fret. The elves are not so judgmental as the Aesir. I know this, I grew up amongst them after all." Loki nodded solemnly and made his way to the bifrost, feeling Frigga and Heimdall's eyes upon him.

"You will tell no one of this, Heimdall. He would not deserve the outcome of all of Asgard knowing of his situation." Frigga said sternly to the stoic dark-skinned gatekeeper.

"Of course I will tell no one. Not even Loki deserves such shame." He answered pensively. "But you will not be able to hide it forever if he chooses to keep the child."

"That is his choice to make." Frigga replied and left without another word.

* * *

When Loki arrived in Alfheim, he found himself at the famed academy where the healing arts were studied in depth by ancient masters of the art – and taught to their apprentices with great care. He had been there before, as an apprentice himself in his younger days. He was the only student at the time that wasn't an elf. He had only been taken as an apprentice by the recommendation of his mother, and his uncle Frey, the king of Alfheim. He was overcome by nostalgia at first, at the sight of the grand entry hall. In some ways, this place could put Asgard to shame. The immense foyer was filled with beautiful white statuary and carvings, all of the designs taking their inspiration from nature. Vines twisted above the large ached doorways and two expertly carved oak trees framed the entrance to stairs leading to the upper floors. He liked that most about the elves, their love and respect for nature above all things.

He couldn't help but recall a long-forgotten memory of his younger self nervously entering the academy for the first time. Frey was with him, ushering him forward encouragingly to meet his mentor, an elven master of healing by the name of Taure. Taure was old, even for an elf. He had seen many millennia come and go. Loki immediately felt drawn to him, and they worked very well together. When they parted ways some years later, Loki was known to be very skilled in the healing arts. But it was the magic of enchanting that really drew him in, and he knew that his place was elsewhere.

It was with some trepidation that his eyes fell upon none other than Taure, and two female elves wearing the robes of master healers standing at his sides as they waited for him. Even several hundred years later, Taure looked much as he always had. His long auburn locks were pulled back and braided neatly, and his robes, as always, were spotless. One thing Loki remembered about the kind old elf, was that he hated dirt and every little thing had to be neat and immaculately clean at all times. After so many years of studying under him, the trickster had been unable to to avoid picking up those habits himself. The two women nodded quietly and left them alone.

Loki swallowed nervously and greeted Taure. He smiled sadly and pulled the Aesir into a warm embrace. Another thing he had forgotten about the elves, was how tactile they were. No greeting went without at least a handshake.

"How long it has been since last we met. I only wish it were under better circumstances." Taure said, letting go of Loki. His voice was soft and almost musical in quality. Loki recalled fondly the way that Taure could calm even the most nervous patients by merely speaking to them in that special tone. It irritated the other healers to no end, but in reality they were just jealous that he was able to handle such things so well.

"As do I." Loki said with a sigh. "I suppose my mother has told you everything."

"Everything I need to know, probably. I will leave it to your discretion if you wish to tell me more." The master healer said reassuringly. "Mostly I will look after you, but the others healers may as well, if I am busy elsewhere."

"Has something like this ever happened to anyone else?" Loki asked awkwardly as he followed Taure up the elegant spiraling white marble stairs. He narrowly avoided being trampled by a group of apprentices that were probably late for a class. Ah, some things never changed.

"There is nothing in the official records. But, after staying up last night and going through what I know about shapeshifters, I would assume that it probably has happened in the past. I am not sure why you were able to become male again, but perhaps that is only the outside?" Taure suggested, pushing open the door to his rooms. "I thought you might prefer your old room. This all has to be distressing enough, without being in unfamiliar territory."

"Thank you." Loki said, eyes wide. He could have kissed the master healer for that. He was also glad that Taure would be looking after him, and not some uppity midwife. Most them were rather annoying and overbearing if he remembered them well enough. Taure was the total opposite of that. He was soft-spoken and very gentle in his work. Loki knew he wouldn't spend any more time prodding at him than absolutely necessary. After a few short words with Taure over a cup of chamomile tea, Loki found his way to his old room and curled up in the bed that had been made for him. He hadn't even noticed how tired he was and fell asleep almost instantly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes:** If you're curious, we will be seeing more of Taure in Arrows and Apples. Eventually. XD Also, his name means 'Forest' in Sindarin elvish from Jrr Tolkien's works.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Acceptance**

* * *

When Loki awoke some time later, it was to Taure lightly shaking his shoulder. It was early evening as he could tell by the breathtaking sunset visible through the enormous arched window on the far side of the room. He looked up at Taure blearily, wishing he could have just let him sleep until morning. Rest unmarred by nightmares was something Loki got precious little of.

"Come, supper will be ready soon." The healer said simply. "It is very important for you to have a balanced diet." Grumbling to himself, Loki followed him out into the living area of his study. It was just as he remembered. Neatly stocked bookcases dominated the wall space and the second floor was nothing but rows of shelves containing ancient tomes. If he looked, Loki knew that every book, scroll and sheet of parchment would be numbered and carefully stored. Taure was mindlessly obsessive about order and structure. And so was Loki, even with being called the God of Chaos.

They sat at the large ornate oak table in the center of the study. Dejectedly, Loki picked at his food with his utensils. He just didn't feel like eating. If anything, he felt like vomiting. Which was a shame, because he rather liked the food here. The elves preferred diets rich in vegetables instead of revolting half-raw slabs of meat like the Aesir. He pushed the plate away. Taure was absorbed in a book he was reading and didn't notice. Slowly, Loki stood and went to go lie down again.

"You need to eat." Taure said firmly, without looking away from his book or moving an inch. Some things never changed, Loki noted. He sighed and scooted back into his chair.

"I am not sure I _can_." The Aesir replied, putting the plate of steamed vegetables back in front of him.

"Nausea?" The healer asked, still not looking up from his book. Yes, indeed, some things never changed – especially not Taure's ability to multitask that would have been the envy of every handmaiden and servant in Asgard. Loki nodded mutely at the question and Taure set the book aside. "I believe you know the cure for that."

"Mint tea?" Loki said, after having to think about for far longer than he would like to admit. But really, when had he actually needed to know?

"Hm." Taure muttered, making eye contact. "I see we might as well revisit some of your past training while you are under my care. It appears that you may benefit from it. If nothing else it will pass the time." Loki looked away, shamefaced. Taure never lost his composure, he never got angry and he _never, _Norns forbid, raised his voice. Oh, but he knew just which buttons to push make even a king squirm with guilt.

"I will make tea." Loki said shortly and put a pot of water in the fire to boil. He knew the statement was Taure's way of saying he would _not _be spending his time moping around in bed. In other words, he was perfectly capable of seeing to his own needs and would not be waited on like a spoiled princess – unless he was really feeling too sick to do anything himself. Taure would never abide by idleness, after all. Loki should have expected, or at least remembered that. Still, he was grateful. He knew the old elf wouldn't just let him sit there and feel sorry for himself. If he kept busy 'revisiting his studies' perhaps it could keep his mind off the morass of negative emotions within.

Loki was a little impressed with himself that he found the mint without any trouble. Of course, Taure kept everything immaculately organized but it had been _centuries _since he set foot in the study. It was kind of amusing that almost everything was in exactly the same place as it had been so long ago. He added the leaves to the water and waited for it to boil. Carefully, he poured the hot liquid into a teacup and rejoined Taure at the table.

"Wait for it to cool and sip it slowly." Taure instructed, his attention back on the book he was reading before. Loki stared down into the cup much the same way he had while speaking with his mother the afternoon before trying to lure Svadlifari away from the city walls back in Asgard. "It will be good for the morning sickness, too." Loki only grunted in reply. Taure _finally _marked his page and set the book aside, giving Loki his undivided attention.

"I was thinking, how will the child be born?" Loki asked, wincing. Childbirth, as he knew from witnessing it enough times in the past, was excruciatingly painful. And he wasn't exactly female.

"Can you shapeshift?" Taure asked, watching his expression carefully. The master healer knew when Loki was lying. He was the one single person Loki had ever encountered that had the ability to see through his lies with little to no effort. At first it had unnerved him, but over time he was glad that someone understood him in some way.

"No." Loki replied truthfully. "I noticed a few days ago that I could not. But I attributed it over-strain as I had been excessively working on learning new spells to distract myself from..." His voice trailed off and he pushed a piece of broccoli around his plate, forcing memories of the rape out of his mind. "But I have not recovered that ability, no. So I do not think I can change my form now."

"I see, I was afraid of that. It would have been easier to just have you take on a female form, but I don't think that's possible now." Taure pushed the book across the table to Loki. "You may want to read this, it is mostly about the physiology of shapeshifters. The passage I marked explains that after the point of conception, most shapeshifters lose the ability change. The body must be in a constant, balanced state while the child grows, and taking on a different form could harm it."

"I see. I changed back to this form right afterward. Perhaps conception occurred in the middle of transforming, and something was disrupted... Leading to apparently being female on the inside?" Loki commented, trying to wrap his head around it.

"Probably. I will have to have a good look at you after we eat and we can determine what happened." Taure explained as Loki sipped the tea. "As for your previous question, the child will probably have to cut out of you when the time comes. Loki choked on the tea and coughed. Oh, that didn't sound painful at all. Not a bit.

"That... does not conjure a pleasant image." He mumbled, thankful the tea was slowly getting rid of the nausea or he probably would have retched.

"No, but probably much easier on you than natural birth in a female form. You will, most unfortunately, still need to be conscious for the procedure." Taure replied thoughtfully. Loki forced himself to eat some of his food to keep Taure from hounding him. He would too, he knew it. Either way, he didn't say anything else. He knew he was in good hands – the best, really. But that all didn't bear thinking about. Not yet, anyway. He didn't need to work himself into a nervous wreck over something that was months away.

After they finished eating, Loki lay in his bed and allowed Taure to properly examine him. Unlike his mother's healer, Taure's touches were light and precise. There was no unnecessary prodding and nothing particularly awkward about it. He asked Loki a series of questions about his overall physical state which he answered to the best of his ability. Things like when the morning sickness started, and if noticed anything else out of the ordinary. He noticed nothing, of course. But he might have if he hadn't been so emotionally unstable afterward. Taure came to a diagnosis easily enough.

"I do believe your theory was correct. Due to an incomplete transformation, it would seem that you are possessing of female reproductive organs on the inside, but you maintained your masculine appearance on the outside." Taure said in curious manner as he slid the covers over Loki. He snuggled into them and buried his face in the pillow. "Emotional scars need healing, too. If you want to talk in depth about what transpired, I will listen and tell your secrets to no one."

* * *

It was two days later when Loki finally broke down and decided to tell Taure the whole story. He started not with the giant and Svadlifari, but with the emissaries from Vanaheim that had raped him. As far as Loki knew, that was the real starting point. He felt defiled, he was angry and he had no one to turn to for comfort. His only hope, was to possibly please Odin by righting his mistake. Maybe then, he could find comfort in their praise. That, of course, only led to more pain.

Taure listened attentively, never once interrupting. And where Loki was so sure he would find scorn and derision, he found only concern.

"The Aesir are far too ignorant. They act as though these horrors do not occur, and treat those who suffer them as though they are deserving of such shame and pain." Taure said from his seat on the opposite side of the large oaken table when Loki finally finished speaking. "It does not make you less of a man to study magic. And your current situation... What right is it of theirs to judge things that they do not understand?" Loki was endlessly grateful for the old healer's support. Simply finding the will to talk about it had made it like a weight was lifted from his soul.

"What will become of the child?" Loki asked, uncertainly.

"That is your choice. There are many here would be willing to adopt it and teach it the way of the healers. Likely it will be a shapeshifter like you. Or, you could keep it and raise it. Whatever decision you make, do not hate your child. Hate the being that did this to you, and those that hurt you, but not the child. It was not it that caused this. Rather, he or she is no less a victim that you are." The master healer said almost enigmatically.

Loki hadn't thought of it that way, but it made sense. A bastard child born of a horse and an Aesir, what future would it have? He would keep it, he would have to. Who else but it's mother would understand how it felt to be shunned – to be different? If this child was going to have a life worth living, Loki would have to accept it and raise it himself. Maybe he had no idea how to care for a child, but he was sure that his mother, Frigga, would help him in any way she could. He could just tell the rest of them that he found the child left to die somewhere. He was a good enough liar to make them believe it.

"I will keep it." Loki said hoarsely. Taure regarded him silently for a moment before speaking.

"I do think you will make an excellent father, or perhaps it should be mother?" Loki snorted and Taure gave him a rare smile. There was no mocking in his tone upon the word 'mother' like there might have been if were any of the Aesir speaking. And thinking about it, which was he? The mother, technically, but... Well, it wasn't like this happened all that often.

* * *

The next few weeks passed quickly, Loki fell into a comfortable routine of studying whatever topics Taure left for him. He hadn't forgotten as much as he had thought at first. Most of it came back to him relatively easily. They spent their mornings in the study, Loki with a cup of mint tea and Taure with chamomile. Well, usually. Some mornings consisted of lying in bed wishing he could just _die_ while Taure sat with him until the sickness passed. In the afternoons he read through the medical texts and took notes of what Taure wanted him to remember. They shared dinner together, and then Loki would go to bed at a 'reasonable hour'. Taure did not allow him to stay up half the night as he needed all he rest he could get, and the elf noticed early on that the Aesir did not sleep well. It was only for fear of causing the child harm that Taure did not give Loki medicine to make him sleep. Though, after opening up and telling Taure of his emotional anguish, the nightmares became less somewhat less frequent.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes:** I am so sorry. :c

* * *

**Chapter Four:** **The Birth of Sleipnir**

* * *

Loki woke on a bright sunny morning somewhere in the middle of his seventh month of pregnancy to the sound of his mother calling his name quietly. He rolled over carefully, as any kind of movement was rather awkward and demanded some kind of thought process to be successfully executed. His belly was no larger than that of an ordinary pregnant woman, but his male body structure just was not built to be able to balance with it. Taure had needed to help him out of chairs and his bed on several occasions lately.

He looked up curiously to see Frigga sitting on the edge of the bed with... Thor standing in the doorway behind her. He looked rather out of place and afraid he might break something. Or rather like he'd made the unfortunate mistake of manhandling one of Taure's plants. Loki sighed in irritation and rolled back over. Just another stupid nightmare. Thor was not in his room. That was _not_ possible.

"Loki dear, how are you feeling?" Frigga asked gently. "Master Taure tells me you are doing very well so far." Loki made to answer, but clapped a hand over his mouth as a wave of nausea overtook him. Ignoring Thor for the time being, he spoke to Frigga.

"Mint tea, _please._" He choked out miserably.

"Thor, go ask Master Taure from some mint tea and stay away from his plants this time, please." Frigga told the thunderer. Loki half wished he had seen that; oh it must have been wonderful. Taure would never yell, of course, but he could be scary in his own right. ...And he could probably best Thor if it did come to blows. Taure was not just a healer, he was a renowned smith and a warrior spoken of often in elven history. He had only turned to healing because he grew so weary of death. That Loki understood, and respected.

"Ah yes, morning sickness. I do not remember that fondly. Norns, no." Frigga said soothingly and rubbed Loki's back gently. Loki wanted to affirm that he agreed, but he doubted he could open his mouth without vomiting. Frigga seemed to understand and made no comment. Of course she understood, she had given birth to him and Thor many centuries ago. It was easy to forget that sometimes.

"Mostly, my Lady Frigga, He has good days and bad days. This is looking like one of the bad ones, is it not, Loki?" He said kindly and entered the room with a cup of tea and Thor following sheepishly. Obviously, he hadn't trusted Thor to carry it. Loki did not answer as Frigga helped him to sit up. It was a rhetorical question, it only took Taure one quick look at him to know it was one of the bad days. He didn't wait for the tea to cool this time and sipped it gingerly until the nausea began to pass.

"Why is he here?" Loki asked when he trusted himself to speak without vomiting on his mother. Thor looked at him like a kicked puppy. It was a look he wore well, and often.

Frigga explained that in his absence, Thor had found out about his condition from badgering her healer. Loki was not surprised. However, he would have replaced 'badgering' with 'attempting to woo'. She was definitely his type.

"So I take it everyone in Asgard knows now? I will be shamed for the rest of my life." Loki said miserably, staring into his empty teacup.

"No brother! I have told no one! Not even father!" Thor shouted.

"Quiet, please. I am trying to study." Taure called from the other room. He had left after delivering the tea to give them some privacy. Loki let out a bark of laughter at the way Thor squirmed at being admonished by Taure. The fact that Thor even responded to his softly spoken order was astounding. Yes, he wished he could have witnessed the episode with the plants.

"Why are you here, then?" Loki asked, glaring daggers at the blonde Aesir.

"Because I was worried, and mother agreed to allow me to visit you as long as I behave. I even took an oath not to drown in my cups and accidentally tell anyone." Thor explained. "Does it... is it painful?" Frigga giggled softly, and Loki rolled his eyes.

"No. It does feel strange when he moves, though." Loki explained, blushing slightly and resting his hands on his swollen belly.

"I-It moves?" Thor stuttered. Loki huffed indignantly. Frigga's giggling became proper laughter and she patted Thor on the shoulder.

"He?" She asked, cocking her head to the side.

"I will have a son, I know this somehow." Loki told her quietly. "I... want to keep him. I will tell Odin that I found him abandoned in the highlands. Will you help me care for him, mother? I do not know how." Loki noticed something strange and unreadable in Frigga's expression, but she smiled disarmingly and assured him that she would help. She also agreed that it was best that Odin not know of her grandson's true parentage. Her husband meant well, but he was unpredictable at best – especially concerning Loki.

Loki spent most of that day in bed with Frigga and Thor at his side. Taure checked in occasionally to make sure he ate, and that he was feeling somewhat better than that morning. Loki was surprised that Thor's presence didn't bother him as much as it usually did. He seemed genuinely concerned, and his childlike curiosity about the child was really rather adorable. He was almost a little sad when the thunderer left that evening. Frigga had stayed, and informed him that she would be staying until his son was born. They would return home separately in order to keep Odin from suspecting anything. As far as the king of Asgard knew, his wife was visiting her brother in Alfheim. Frigga had, of course, told Frey the whole story and he took no issue with covering for her while she stayed with Loki. He slept well that night, and felt much better the next morning.

In the days that followed, Frigga helped Loki with the work Taure assigned him for lack of anything better to do. Loki was glad for the company, and Frigga's excitement about her soon to be born grandson was rubbing off on him. He was _very _nervous about that fateful day, but it was hard to be too worried when he imagined holding his son for the first time, or the way Frigga's eyes twinkled when she talked about teaching him magic when he was old enough. It was all going to work out somehow, and maybe he had finally found the meaning he had been searching for. Yes, he didn't crave Odin's approval any longer. It meant nothing compared to the small life growing inside of him.

Before they knew it, another two months had passed. Loki stayed in bed mostly at that point with either Frigga or Taure beside him at all times. He just didn't feel well enough to do much of anything. It was a chilly February morning when the pain started. Loki cried out in surprise and dropped the book he was reading with a grimace, startling Frigga who was beside him. Instinctively, his hands dropped to his stomach. She called for Taure who came running. Loki was hardly aware of what was going on as the master healer and his mother half carried him to a proper room where patients were kept. All he really knew was that it _hurt. _Norns, the pain was unbearable. He felt a bed beneath him and Frigga running her fingers through his hair that had grown quite long in a soothing manner.

"What is happening? Is something wrong?" He cried, afraid to move.

"It is time, dear." Frigga said enigmatically. "Master Taure has gone to get an assistant, it will be over soon. Hush." Loki tried to remember how to breathe. _It is time._ Those words spoke so little, yet so much. He was aware of Taure returning with two female healers. They made short work of getting him relatively comfortable while Frigga sat in a chair beside him holding his hand.

Taure had said that Loki would need to be conscious for the procedure, but he never specified that he wouldn't be aware of anything going on. He remembered being given some kind of sedative tea and lost all feeling in his body almost immediately. He could hear Taure and the healers speaking, but the words were muted and fuzzy. When he came to his senses, he was comfortably tucked in the bed in his own room with Frigga still holding his hand.

"Honey?" She asked quietly. "Can you hear me now?" Loki made a soft sound of assent, but didn't open his eyes.

"Congratulations on the birth of your son!" He heard another soft female voice nearby. What was it with elves, anyway? They all had such gentle, musical voices. His eyes fluttered open and darted to the elven healer standing behind Frigga who gave him a positively radiant smile. She was another one he could easily imagine Thor chasing after.

"You're lucky, you know." Frigga said with a wink. "It's much more painful for us ladies, you didn't feel a thing, did you?" Loki shook his head groggily.

"Oh, do not envy him yet." The healer giggled. "That is not going to heal quickly, and using magic on a wound like that could cause more harm than good. It will have to heal naturally. And he is going to want to cry when the medicine wears off." She left then to go find Taure and have him bring the child in.

"...Wound?" Loki mumbled. "Oh, of course." He winced and carefully pressed his hand against his stomach. He felt a liberal amount of bandaging under his fingers.

"I will admit, I am glad I skipped breakfast. I am not sure I want to see that again. No more grandchildren from you, mister." Frigga chided him humorously. He groaned and wished she _hadn't _seen it. Taure had explained the whole procedure of, well, literally cutting the child out of him in detail a week ago. It did not sound like someone anyone would _want _to witness.

He looked up nervously when Taure entered with a small bundle of blankets in his arms. Smiling, he handed it to Loki who accepted the child with shaking hands. Honestly, he was a little surprised. He been half expecting to see some kind of mutated horse-creature. Instead, a newborn Aesir looked up him with glittering green eyes just like his own. There was a thick tuft of black hair on his head, though arguably that trait may have been his father's. Loki felt an enormous sense of pride as the child looked up at him and smiled. He slipped his hand under the blanket and tiny fingers wrapped around his. He felt tears sting at his eyes as he wondered how something so innocent and beautiful could come from such horrors. Frigga seemed to understand and threw her arms around both of them.

"Sleipnir." Loki said softly. "We will call you Sleipnir."

"It will be all right, we will make this work." Frigga said and kissed her grandson on the forehead.

Only, it didn't.

* * *

Odin believed Loki's story of finding the child in the highlands and ignored its existence. He would not accept Sleipnir as a member of their family. He was Loki's problem. Loki did not especially mind. Caring for Sleipnir was difficult at first. Loki had his own injures as a result of the birth that required attention, though he didn't dare let anyone see it. It was all very demanding, but he did not give up easily. Frigga, and even Thor, helped as much as they could. Though, Thor was so afraid he would break Sleipnir, that he never held him. Everything went along swimmingly for the first six months, until a certain jealous healer couldn't hold her tongue any longer.

It was a blur to Loki, but he remembered how he had been summoned to speak with Odin, and questioned about Sleipnir's heritage. He lied his way through it, of course. But the rumor spread like wildfire, and in a fit of rage, he confronted the healer. She screamed that she was being attacked, which she obviously was not. Guards stationed nearby subdued him. His wounds from giving birth had still not healed, so he couldn't put up a proper fight.

"Odin is going to take him away! Mother, please!" Loki cried from the inside of a prison cell he had been tossed into. Frigga stood outside, looking in sadly. They knew Sleipnir was his son, a court mage had proven it.

"I will not allow that to happen." Frigga said sternly and left. Loki prayed to the Norns she could save Sleipnir.

She couldn't.

A few hours later, Loki stood at Frigga's side, holding his hand tightly. They were both forced to watch as Odin took away Sleipnir's magic and forced him into the form of an eight legged foal. And thus, Loki's true hatred for Odin was born.

He lost track of how long he cried alone in his chambers, longing to hold the son who probably would never know him. Slowly, he found his way back into Asgardian society. He clung to the shadows, until he discovered his own true parentage.

A child abandoned to die.

He finally understood the strange emotion that had crossed Frigga's face the first time he mentioned the plan to explain Sleipnir's heritage.

He had nothing left to lose but a life built on lies.

* * *

"Performance issues, happens to the worst of-" Loki grabbed Tony Stark by the throat, loving the way the mortal squirmed in his grasp. He was stalling, he knew, while his 'Avengers' found their way to the Stark Tower. Loki didn't care. He didn't really care about _anything_ anymore. Not Thor, not Asgard. Not even Frigga, who alone had been his support. Nothing. He would make it all _burn. _It was with no small amount of satisfaction that he threw the mortal threw his own window.

But where had he gone wrong?

When did the God of Mischief and petty little lies become a God of Chaos and evil?

Could he ever find himself again?


End file.
